We are constantly bombarded with the terms: self-love, self-care, empowerment, etc. But have you stopped to think about what it really means to love yourself?
What is synthetic self-love?
It is conditional self-love. It does not come from a place of truth and it depends upon the approval of others. I see it a lot in social media, where people act empowered, but there is a constant need for approval and praise (aka likes). There is an unreasonable obsession with attaining perfection, which often leads people on an emotional roller coaster.
That has deep repercussions, it affects both our personal development and most important our well-being. For example, it creates anxiety.
Here are some questions to reflect on before digging deeper into self-love:
- When you look into the mirror, what do you see?
- Are you able to look yourself in the eyes?
- Can you say NO to others?
- Are you maintaining relationships that bring you no joy?
- Can you be alone, just you, yourself, and your thoughts?
What is the honest self-love?
There is still a widespread belief that self-love equals selfishness, vanity and it often brings a feeling of guilt associated with it.
According to Eric Fromm in his book “The Art of Loving”, all love has four basic elements: care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge. Observing self-love through this lens can give a perspective on what it means to love ourselves.
When you are proactive in taking care of your needs and making choices that will support you, energize you, and bring you happiness that is (self) care. For example, you say you love plants, yet you forget about them, you don’t water them and they die. Can you really say you love plants? or you just love the idea of loving plants?
When you really love plants, you will remember those plants. You will voluntarily go and take care of them, you will respond to those plants’ needs so that they will thrive. That is the real meaning of responsibility (response-ability). In the case of self-love, is how we respond to our own needs, and to the challenges of life. Unfortunately, responsibility is misunderstood by many as being a burden. But the essence of responsibility does not strive from duty nor is something external imposed upon us – it is a voluntary and internal act.
Respect is another concept that is commonly misunderstood and often associated with a negative fear-based authoritarian way of “respecting” – “respect me I am your mother/father/boss”. But in its core and definition, respect is a positive action or a feeling shown towards someone or something considered important or held in high esteem or regard. Respect is also caring about how words and actions may impact others. The thing about respecting yourself is that it requires you to be real with yourself. To respect yourself takes a certain level of maturity, inner work, and self-awareness (knowledge). It’s seeing yourself as you truly are with all the good and the bad. It’s knowing that you are a unique individual. With your own interests, life path, physical appearance, history, ancestry, etc.
Last but not least, we have knowledge. Have you noticed that I mentioned self-awareness (knowledge) before? Getting to know yourself, is done by doing inner work, reflection, and by being honest.
“Know thyself”, it’s a famous motto from ancient Greece. To truly know ourselves we need to get acquainted with all the parts within us. That includes those parts we pretend don’t exist, yes, our shadow self needs to get some attention. We shouldn’t deny or try to neutralize our shadow with “love and light” or “positive vibes only” (like I often see and hear people say), we should instead create a healthy relationship with it. Denying our shadow is like denying a part of us that helps us to grow, and denying is a part of us that hurts and that needs love the most. To truly know yourself, to gain self-awareness is to understand the real motivations of your actions and reactions – your trigger, your character, feelings, motives, and desires.
Going back to the plant example: You take care of the plants by watering, giving fertilizer, and making sure it gets the right amount of light. You are responding to the plants’ needs (responsibility). You respect the plant because you care that your actions have a positive impact on the plant. That includes knowing what the plant needs, knowing when it is in distress and needs more water or light. In this case, you can say you love plants.
Its time to start loving yourself!
To be at peace with who you are, to know that you are enough, to respect your boundaries and needs, to assume responsibility for your life, and to know and take care of yourself are the secrets to a fulfilled life.
Love takes dedication and practice.
It is not something that you win or that you fall into. It’s something that needs to be developed. Unfortunately, most of us are lacking that faculty, in particular towards ourselves. If you do it towards others, why can’t you do it towards yourself?
Taking care of your balance and well-being is one of the biggest gifts you can give yourself. Working with a coach or therapist can provide you with guidance and support you get in your inner game right.
